Inconceivable
by kat07cullen
Summary: A couples battle with infertility and how it affects their relationship. This story is told through a diary format. Lemons but only to help the plot. Sad and funny at different points in the story. Very personal. Enjoy and please review.
1. Chapter 1

_Inconceivable_

_This story will be incredibly difficult for me to write as a lot of it hits close to home. I hope you all enjoy the story and maybe it will give you a better understanding of this difficult time._

_I don't own Twilight SM does I just mess around with the characters._

In love

Dear Diary

I want to scratch out that first line. I feel like a love sick teenager writing in a fluffy pink note book instead of a twenty eight year old women writing in a plain black book. I just don't how to start all this. My therapist reckons that writing will help us both to work through our feelings. I don't know if Edward will even try. He hates going to therapy and tries to find every excuse possible to miss our sessions. I am jumping ahead here. The best place to start would obviously be at the beginning of our relationship.

It seems like a lifetime ago now but I met Edward in the summer of 2001. I met him the first day of my senior year at Forks High School. He was a transfer student from LA. The whole school was excited about the arrival of him and his gorgeous siblings Rosalie and Jasper. All of that first day they were all anybody in my tiny high school could talk about. The worst offender was my best friend Alice. Jasper and Edward were twins so they were both in senior year with us. Rosalie was two years younger and in the same year as my little brother Emmett. Alice was completely and utterly taken with Jasper. She apparently had every class with him and couldn't shut up all through lunch about how gorgeous he was. I had to give that she was right. I shared English Lit and Geography with the two of them and Jasper certainly was something to look at. He had wavy blonde hair and piercing blue eyes. Jasper was about seven foot tall and although not heavily built he was very muscular. I found out from Alice that he was a runner and basketball player. Well that at least explained his build.

I was sitting picking at my chefs salad when Alice elbowed me in the ribs. She was pointing in the direction of easily the most handsome guy I had ever seen. He just plain took my breath away. Alice explained that the drop dead gorgeous man was Jasper's twin brother Edward. He had the same wavy hair as Jasper except his was a dark copper colour and he had green eyes. The brothers were about the same height and had a very similar build. Edward looked up and caught me staring. He smiled the most perfect crooked smile. I remember thinking then that this was the best moment of my life. Edward Cullen was looking at little old me and he was smiling.

The next lesson after lunch was biology and I discovered that my new lab partner was Edward. This year really couldn't go any better. He introduced himself during biology and we engaged in some light flirting but I was already falling hard for Edward.

I remember going home and filling my diary with versions of my name in the future.

Bella Cullen. Bella Swan- Cullen. Isabella Cullen.

I fell for Edward the first day I met him and I fell hard.

Dear Diary

This is all fucking stupid and I don't see how it will change anything. I just want my life back.

Edward

_So obviously this story will be in a diary format that will show both perspectives. Please let me know what you think. The more you review the faster the next chapter goes up. _


	2. In Hope

_Thanks to everyone who is following this story. I will reply to the reviews today. Sorry but I have had a really hectic week personally._

_Yes it is difficult to tell this story but I think it's a good thing to tell our painful stories. _

_So on with the story._

In hope

Dear Edward

I have decided to write this diary as though it was a letter to you. I know you will probably never read it but this whole story is about us.

Today I was sitting on the swing in the back garden. I love sitting out there and looking back at our perfect family house. I know you wanted to take the swing down years ago but I just can't let go. I guess that's the reason I now find myself living alone in this giant house. I am jumping ahead of myself now. I wanted to tell our story from the start.

Jasper and Alice started dating within a week of meeting each other. They really where and still are such a perfect couple. We took things a bit slower. We became friends first and I really love that about our relationship. The last days of warm weather were spent at the beach walking and talking. You used to love going out surfing with Jasper and Alice and I were quite happy to sit on the beach and watch.

In the fall you became the school quarterback and I was there to watch every game although I had never bothered before. I pretended it was for my role as editor of the school paper but really it was just to watch you.

Three months after we first met there was a party at your house. I can't even remember now what the party was for but I think it had to do with winning another game. I was standing shyly in the corner sipping a warm beer from a plastic cup. As usual you were the light of the party and I was standing wondering why you were even my friend and kicking myself for thinking we could ever be more. You looked up and saw me standing there and our eyes locked across the room. In seconds you were by my side the rest of the room forgotten.

You took my hand and lead me out of the house to a small wooden bench far away from the noise of the party. We talked for hours that night curled up in each other's arms. Around midnight you leaned in and kissed me. It wasn't my first kiss I had dated a couple of guys before but it was the first time a kiss took my breath away. That night defined our relationship. We talked and kissed until the sun rose to reveal a misty morning. I loved you then and I still love you now.

I miss you Edward.

Dear Diary

Today I finally moved out of the hotel and into a rented flat. I know I should commit and buy a place. I should move on but I can't. Ten years is a lot of time to throw away. Bella was my life. I really can't do this.

_Thanks again for reading this story and I promise to update more often. Please leave reviews I love reading every one of them._


	3. In this moment

_In this moment_

Dear Edward

I saw you getting out of your car at the shop today. My heart stopped seeing you again. Its been three months now since you moved out. Three months since I last saw you. I couldn't face the pain of talking to you so I ran to my car at the other side of the parking lot. I just have to hope that you didn't see me.

This all seems so stupid but I really don't know what I would say to you. I could try saying that I am sorry but I'm not. I wish I had a time machine so I could go back five years and approach this all differently. I am not even sure that would have changed what now seems to be the inevitable outcome.

I hate how lonely our house feels without you in it. I hate how cold our bed feels. How stupid of me when I know that you have no intention of coming back. I should apply for a divorce and sell the house but somehow that just seems so final. How can ten years of love end like this?

Bella

Today I saw Bella running towards her car. I automatically moved towards her but it felt like there was a brick wall in my way. I slumped against my car and watched her drive away. I haven't seen her in three months but I had no idea how much it would hurt seeing her again.

I don't know what I want anymore. Part of me wants to go running back to the house and tell her this was all a mistake. I want to say that I was an ass and beg her to let us start over. The other part of me wants to take that job offer at Seattle Grace and get as far away from Forks and her as I can.

I thought this whole diary idea of Tanya's (our therapist) was really stupid but I guess it might help to right things down. My thoughts are such a mess at the moment that maybe I can get a bit of clarity from this.

If I go back to the start maybe I can pinpoint the moment it all went so wrong. I need to figure things out and the start is probably the best place.

Right now I need to get back to the hospital for my next shift.

_This is the last short update. Now they will both open the flood gates and start spilling everything. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed this story. I love reading every review _


	4. In this place

Thanks to all my wonderful readers I will be able to update more regularly now until this story is finished. I had a flood of work come in and I barely found time to eat let alone write. I am so sorry.

In this Place

Dear Edward

I had a hectic day at work today. Everything went wrong and I spent most of my day in meetings trying to sort things out. We are so behind in a couple of huge projects and well things just came to a head today. I still love my job as an architect I just wish sometimes I wasn't a partner in the firm. Management means that you are the one firing people and yelling. I hate that part of my job. Aro is a fantastic boss but I really hate Casius and today he made me take the blame for things that were his fault.

When I got home at 10 it was to an empty dark house and a burger from the McDonalds drive through on the way home.

I just sat on the floor next to the front door and cried. I miss coming home and being able to talk about our days. I loved that part of the evening sitting curled up on your lap with a glass wine and going through the events of our days. I miss you so much sometimes it's a physical ache.

You would have made everything seem better and my concerns about work seem a million miles away.

You always were good at comforting me.

I remember back in high school about three weeks after we started going out. It was a standard cold and rainy Forks day. You picked me up for school for the first time that day.

I had an awful day at school. Jessica Stanley called me a whore for sleeping with you when you were dating her. I know she was just trying to rile and that it was all lies but it still hurt. You had a football meeting at lunch so I had to endure her taunts all on my own. I sat and cried over my egg salad sandwich.

In gym a got hit on the head by a well aimed ball from Jessica and passed out. I woke up in the nurse's office so embarrassed. They had called my dad to come and fetch me. I felt like a little kid and the freak of the school. I really didn't know why the ultimate jock was dating me and I managed to convince myself you were doing it just so you could make a fool out of me in front of the school later.

Two hours later you were sitting on my porch swing holding me and whispering comforting words. Sitting there I felt for the first time how you could make the rest of the world disappear. The moment was just about us and how much we cared for each other. I knew then that you would always protect me.

Bella

Dear Bella

You and I were high school sweethearts. It's so clichéd I know but I fell in love with the first woman I really dated and I married you.

Our siblings weren't quite that easy. Rosalie and Emmett dated but then broke up before collage and attended schools at opposite ends of the country. Six years later they met up again at a party for a mutual friend in New York. They were married less than a year later and they now have three year old twins and Rosalie is expecting again. I remember how it killed you organising her baby shower. You had to pretend to be happy for your friend even though your heart was breaking inside. The night after her shower you lay in my arms crying the whole night. By then we had been trying for five years.

Alice and Jasper continued dating after high school but she found him one night with another woman in their bad. She moved into the dorms and wouldn't talk to him for years. She moved to Italy to get away from him and all the hurt he had caused her. Two years ago he went to Italy and explained everything. He was scared about how fast things were moving and he got drunk and cheated. I know it doesn't excuse what he did but after a few months of seeing each other every day she took him back. They married last year about three months before we split up. Her baby is due in six weeks. She was your best friend but know you haven't spoken to her in months. I wish I could patch things between you. Jasper tells me how much she misses you and needs you now.

I know I am evil for saying this but I wish you could just accept how things happened in your life and move on. I accepted it but you couldn't and by that you aren't talking to Alice I gather you still can't.

Edward

Leave some reviews and I will try get another chapter up today.


	5. In my life

In My Life

Dear Edward

Today I got an email announcing our ten year reunion. I can't believe it's really been ten years. I would have gone if we were still together but now it just seems silly. There will be a dinner and dance in the school hall. I can still remember the last dance we attended in that hall. Our senior prom.

I was so nervous that night. I had always backed out of school dances but you insisted that I have this high school experience.

Alice dressed me in a midnight blue gown with thin silver straps. I felt like a princess that night with my make up done and my hair in soft curls. You looked so handsome in your black tux with a blue cumber band that matched my dress. That was all Alice's doing. She and Jasper made such a lovely couple although he did complain all night about the bright pink band that matched Alice's dress.

We all missed Rosalie and Emmett but I think you and Jasper were very grateful to not see your little sister at prom.

We talked about going to a hotel after prom but it seemed so clichéd. Alice and Jasper left for a local hotel before the prom was even finished. We still hadn't gone down that road in our relationship but those two were always at it.

We wanted the first time to be special as it was the first time for both of us.

So after prom we went to an after party at La Push beach on the reservation. A huge group of us sat around a bonfire talking and laughing late into the night. It was a great party and I am glad we went.

Three months later we shared our first Christmas together.

Love

Bella

Dear Bella

I received the email about our reunion today. I won't go. The night would just bring up far too many memories for me.

Alice wants me to go and won't shut up about it. I am terrified that you will be there and I really don't know what to say to you.

Alice is glowing in pregnancy. A small part of me wonders what you would have looked like at eight months if Nessie had lived.

Yes I had to bring it up one day. It still hurts to think about that day when we lost our baby girl. She never even got a chance at life.

Shit I am crying now. That day was the beginning of the end for us. I can't write anymore about that today.

I will instead write about happy times.

Do you remember our first Christmas together? Of course you would. It was such a magical day.

We each had a present opening with our own families in the morning and then you and your brother came round to our house for Christmas brunch.

We had snowball fights and went sledding down the hill behind our house.

In the evening you exchanged gifts. You had bought me a laptop backpack for college and I bought you a silver heart necklace. They were small gifts but I remember that moment in front of the fireplace so clearly. The moment I kissed you that night was the moment I knew you were the one for me.

Edward


	6. The worst kind of pain

Thank you so much for all the wonderful reviews. Get the tissues out for this one.

The worst kind of pain

Dear Edward

I saw Jessica today with Mike. They are married with a two year old son and Jess is six months pregnant with baby number two. They were walking out of the supermarket holding hands and laughing. It broke my heart thinking about how that could have been us. I had to gather all my strength to go and talk to them. Truthfully I did try to hide but Jess had seen me.

She was surprisingly nice besides for a small knowing smirk when I told her we had separated.

I hate that word. Separated. It's a nothing word that just means that we don't know what we want.

I can't be in the same room as you anymore but I can't apply for a divorce either. It reminds of the book Oh the places you will go. In the book he talks about the most awful place being the waiting place. That's where we are now. The waiting place.

I bought that book for Nessie. Actually I bought the book when we started trying for a baby. I didn't know then what a long and painful journey that would be.

Nessie. It still hurts to write that name down. Actually her name was Vanessa but everyone started calling her Nessie after Emmett came up with it.

We had been trying for years and had finally decided to try IVF. It cost a fortune but your parents helped us.

The day I saw those two blue lines I was overwhelmed with excitement. I just stared at the test for hours. After four years of trying we had finally succeeded.

That night I cooked your favourite dinner of lasagne.

I waited until we were half way through the meal but I couldn't wait any longer. I showed you the little stick with its blue lines and you bounced around the room in excitement. We kissed and held each and talked late into the night.

We had planned to wait until 12 weeks to tell our families but everybody had guessed by week 6. We couldn't hide our happiness.

I loved every moment of being pregnant. I had already bought maternity clothes by week 8 because I wanted to look pregnant.

I can't say I loved morning sickness but it didn't matter to me because it was further proof I was pregnant.

You came home from work every day with a new toy or item of clothing for the baby. You happily went out at all hours to get whatever I was craving.

We spent anytime we had off work decorating the nursery. You painted the walls a pale yellow and we bought a crib and compactum for the room. I stencilled scenes from Winnie the Pooh on the wall. We filled book shelves with baby books and shelves with stuffed toys.

The room was perfect by twenty weeks.

The twenty week scan showed a healthy baby girl. We were in heaven.

Two weeks later I started vomiting again. Two days later I had a fever. You were terrified and had me booked into hospital that day.

Blood tests showed I had Swine Flu. It had become pneumonia. That's when things got frightening.

I couldn't be treated normally so the doctors just did their best to relieve my symptoms. You never left my side during those six days I was in hospital.

On the sixth day my gynae arrived to do her daily check on Nessie. I will never forget the look on her face when she realised there was no heartbeat. She cried before we did. You knew what was happening before I did.

Thirty minutes later they removed her body by Caesarean Section. I was knocked out for the procedure but you watched the whole thing.

Carlise told me that you held her in a tiny pink blanket for hours with tears pouring down your face. He said she was tiny but perfect.

I never saw her. I slipped into a coma after the operation and my body was pumped full of drugs for days.

Apparently you didn't come back to my bedside during those five days. You threw yourself straight back into work after Nessie was taken away from you.

I can understand why you did that but it still hurt to wake up all alone.

Three days later I was fine and released from hospital.

I hated that day walking into our house. I went straight to her room and sat on the floor and cried.

You hardly came home the next couple of days claiming you had too much work at the hospital. I knew you were avoiding me but in truth I was glad I didn't have to face you.

That Saturday we buried our baby girl.

_Vanessa Cullen_

_Taken before we even knew you but in our hearts forever_.

It was such a tiny coffin that was lowered into the ground beneath the tombstone with the small angel on top.

I was doubled over in pain watching and for the first time in days you held onto me.

Jasper stepped forward and said a few words thanking everybody for their support. I am sure people did help us but I remember so little about those days.

I had a poem I had found that I wanted to read. At first you helped me when I couldn't speak through the tears. Then Jasper and Alice stepped forward and finished the poem for us. I was so grateful to both of them that day. I still have that poem framed on my desk.

**Angel of my Tears**  
>How do you love a person<br>who never got to be,  
>or try to envision a face<br>you never got to see?  
>How do you mourn the death of one<br>who never got to live.  
>When there's nothing to feel good about<br>and nothing to forgive?  
>I love you, my little baby,<br>my companion of the night.  
>Wandering through my lonely hours,<br>beautiful and bright.  
>What does it mean to die before<br>you ever were born,  
>to live the lovely night of life<br>and never see the dawn?  
>Ah! My little baby,<br>you lived like anyone!  
>Life's a burst of joy and pain.<br>And then like yours, it's done.  
>I love you, my little baby,<br>just as if you'd lived for years.  
>No more, no less, I think of you,<br>the Angel of my tears.  
>~Author Unknown<p>

When the first clump of earth hit the little coffin I collapsed in your arms.

She was my everything and she was taken away.

Bella

Dear Bella

I was offered the opportunity of a lifetime today. I think I should take to give us both the time to decide what we want to do with our lives. I think the distance will be good.

I just don't know how to tell you.

I guess I should get it over with and go and see you tonight. I just don't know how you will react to my news or to seeing me again after all this time.

Edward

I hope you are still enjoying this story. A similar thing happened to a friend of mine in 2009. Well in her case she died from complications from Swine Flu. They kept her body going with machines until they could safely take the baby out. The little girl survived but will have problems later in life. I just wanted to put the Swine Flu into the story. It's one of the many infections that can cause the death of a baby.

Please leave reviews. I love hearing what you think about this story.


	7. In time you will be free

_This chapter will be mostly written from Edward's perspective. Thank you for all the wonderful reviews and I hope you continue to love this story as much as I do. _

_I don't own Twilight but I do have a major deadline hanging over my head but instead I am writing this for you. Okay so I don't really want to work but that sounds better_.

In time you will be free

Dear Edward

Last night you came round to my house. The shock of seeing you at the door made me try to think of ways to pretend I wasn't home. Sadly you saw me running for the back door.

"Bella I can see you. Please come here we really need to talk."

Ok so my attempt at running was pathetic but I really didn't want to face you.

Eventually I opened the front door and I felt an instant stabbing pain at seeing you again.

"Bella I am so sorry but we need to talk. I know you wanted to be left alone but you really need to hear this."

Your eyes mirrored the pain I was feeling and I can only imagine the courage it took for you to stand in front of me again.

I just nodded and asked if you would like to come in for a drink.

You agreed and a few minutes later we were sitting awkwardly at opposite ends of the couch.

You coughed and stared at your wine for a while.

"There is no easy way to tell you this so I will just be straight."

My heart dropped you were going to ask for a divorce.

"I have been offered a six month contract with Doctors without Borders. I have decided to take the job as it really will be a wonderful opportunity. I leave in three weeks for Africa. At first I was worried about how this would affect us but I think the distance will be good. I need some time away from everything to think."

I first all I could feel was shock then exploding anger.

"So this is your way of dealing with our problems. You are just going to run away like a coward."

"I understand your anger Bella but I really thinks its for the best anyway. We don't see other anymore. We are both just sitting in this town hiding away from our future and the past."

"I admit we aren't solving anything but how is running away to Africa going to change shit?"

"I need the space Bella and you do too. You can't see it now because you are angry but this is for the best. We both need space. I think you should maybe go on a holiday or something. All I know is that I can't go on living this half life anymore."

You got up and walked to the front door.

"Please talk to Alice she really misses her best friend."

As you got to the door you turned around one last time.

"Goodbye Bella. Take care of yourself."

The door shut behind you and I was left wondering if that was our last goodbye.

Bella

Dear Bella

I know that right now you hate me. I can understand your anger but I hope that soon you will understand why I had to go. I just couldn't live another day in this half life.

You know I always loved the work that Doctors without Borders do and I had hoped to be selected to go one day.

I postponed that dream when we started trying for a baby. I figured once the kids were out of school I would be able to go. This was my dream and I am going to take the opportunity because I really need this now.

I wish you would take some time out of your life to think about things. Why not go to Europe to look at modern architecture like you always wanted to. We both need the space to breath.

It feels strange packing up the apartment that I have only lived in for three months. I keep getting flashbacks to the day I packed all my things in our house.

You decided to not be near the house during that time so you spent the weekend with your father.

I had thought it would take me all weekend but in the end I just packed my books, clothes and my favourite coffee mug. I left you all the furniture. I was still trying to protect you.

This time I am putting the small amount of furniture I bought in storage and most of my books and clothes are going to my parent's house. I am just taking the brown backpack that I bought when we were in college. Do you remember all the hiking trips we took? We would leave school on Friday and head to a national park. Hours later we would be deep in the forest. It was just us, a few items of food and a tent. I loved those weekends. Our time together at Dartmouth was one of the happiest times in my life. We were young and carefree. We were so in love.

I was thinking the other day about the apartment we shared from our second year till I finished med school. I loved that apartment with its wooden floors and big bay windows. We were so happy there. That was the place we went to after I proposed and the place we spent the first four years of our married life.

That is where we first thought you were pregnant. We had been married for two years and hadn't started trying for a baby yet. You were late one month. We knew it would be difficult with me still studying but we were so excited. Of course then you took the test and it was negative.

That was the summer we started trying to have a baby. It seemed like from the minute we thought you were pregnant that was what we both wanted most in the world.

Now years later I am packing that same backpack with a few clothes and a picture of us on our wedding day.

I can't believe that in eight hours I will be on a plane that will take me thousands of miles away from you. I know that this is the right thing today. It just feels right now like I am saying my final goodbye.

Edward


	8. Now you are gone

_Thank you so much for the wonderful reviews. _

_In my personal news I got a job offer today to write non-fiction mini books. I am so excited as it means at least part of my income will come from writing so I can finally say I am an author _

_I don't own Twilight but maybe one day I will have a bestselling novel._

Now you are gone

Dear Edward

Its 12:09am which means you are somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean. You have officially left the country.

At first I hated you for going but you were right. We were going nowhere.

I still can't believe you are gone. I don't think I have ever felt so lonely in my life.

Bella

Dear Bella

I arrived at the airport at 6am this morning. I was immediately driven to Dora refugee camp which is situated in southern Somalia.

We arrived at the camp at 12 and were put straight to work. I worked for nine hours before I got a break to shower and unpack my belongings in the small tent I share with another Doctor.

The conditions are terrible. You can feel the sense of desperation. I still feel nausea from the smell that fills the camp. It's the stench of urine, blood coupled with the stench of death.

At the moment I am overwhelmed by it all.

I think about you sitting in our house back home and I miss you. I want to talk to you again.

I know that this was the right thing to do. I need to throw myself into my work here.

I realise seeing all of this here how small our problems really are. I need to think about things but for the first time in months I feel hope that we will be okay.

I love you Bella.

Edward

_I know it was a short update. Edward's longer updates will be when he has a break away from the camp for a few days._

_I want to make Edward's experience real so I am getting all my info from the DOW website. _

_Send reviews and I will try and make time for another update later today_.


	9. We own the past

_Okay apparently Edward seems selfish in this story. I want to correct that so here is a long entry from him._

We own the past

Dear Edward

You were right. I do need to get away from this place. I have to drive past the cemetery everyday on my way to work. Every day it feels like a knife.

I need space to think about us and well to decide the most heartbreaking decision of my life. Is there even an us anymore? I don't know.

You hurt me when you left but we had stopped being us long before that. I did that and I know I did. I drove us apart. I still hold that dream though and with that in my head I know we would just end up in the same place.

I have an offer to go and spend four months in Volterra working at Volturi designs headquarters. I signed the offer today and I leave in two weeks.

Italy here I come.

Love

Bella

Dear Bella

I heard through Alice that you got a short term contract in Italy. Congratulations. I know you will love it there. I hope you come back inspired and driven in your chosen career like you once were.

I have three days away from the refugee camp and a few of us have rented a vacation villa on the Kenyan coast. It feels great to get away and be normal for a few days. We have worked 16 plus hours a day everyday for the last month. I haven't worked at this level since I was a resident. Actually this is worse. I never saw cases like this ever in America.

I feel inspired by my job again. I had become a robot in my job the last couple of years. This was the jolt I needed to remember why I chose medicine.

I am lying on the beach while writing this. It reminds me of another beach and a happier time.

Our honeymoon.

We spent three weeks in Thailand. Those three weeks were amazing. We made love, walked on the beach, swam for hours, tried new foods and fell even deeper in love.

I really couldn't have pictured then were we would end up.

Some people say it's because we got married at twenty two which they felt was too young. That is just silly. Yes we were young but we had been together for five years and I already couldn't imagine my life with anybody else. We already lived together and shared everything in our lives. Marriage was the piece of paper that cemented that bond.

Our wedding was perfect for us. We had a simple ceremony in my parents back garden. Strangely for Forks the sun shone. The ceremony was just as the sun was setting through the trees. Alice and Rosalie had filled the garden with fairy lights. The cherry trees were in bloom and it looked like a scene from a movie.

We were surrounded by family and friends. Charlie gave you away. You wore a simple white knee length dress with made of lace and silk. You took my breath away when you walked down the small aisle.

We made up our own vows. I promised you then that I would love you and support you till the end of time.

We danced till the early hours of the morning.

I loved every moment of that day that brought us together for life.

The thing is nobody thinks on their wedding day that life will throw them a curveball and that promise you made won't be as easy to keep.

The day we found you were pregnant completed the picture in my mind. We had been trying for four years with no luck.

Tests should that you had ovarian cysts and an irregular cycle. To top that my sperm where lazy.

Yes there was chance we would fall pregnant naturally but it was very small.

After that news we continued trying for a year using Clomid which turned you into an utter bitch. Those cycles sucked. It wasn't making love anymore it was forced sex with a women who is yelling all kinds of abuse.

After all that six cycles of clomid did not work.

We decided to take a break before trying IVF. That was a fantastic idea. We both took a week off and went on holiday to New York. We toured the sights and talked over long dinners. We fell in love again.

Infertility kills a relationship and that time together to talk made such a difference in our lives.

We returned from New York happy and ready to take the next step.

It worked. The IVF worked and we were pregnant. You glowed in pregnancy. Our lives filled with baby plans. We spent weeks on the nursery. I went to the shops every day after work to get one more item for the baby. I bought the cutest shoes, baby grows and stuffed toys. The nursery was soon overflowing.

We found out it was a girl and instantly decided on the name Vanessa. Emmett instantly changed it to Nessie and it stuck. You were so cross at first but you never stayed mad with Emmett for long.

The day you got Swine Flu the world spun 180 for me. I spent every moment of my day with you in that hospital room praying and hoping that everything would be alright.

I watched the Ultrasound with excitement like I did every time. Until the moment I realised our baby was dead. In that moment I cursed my medical training because I wanted to be as happy and blissfully unaware as you still were.

I was so in love with that little girl already and she had been taken away from me.

The next twenty minutes passed in a blur as you were prepared for surgery. I held your hand even though you were under general while they took her lifeless body out of you. I cut her umbilical cord. She was wrapped in a tiny pink blanket and handed to me.

God Bella she was so small. She weighed just over a kilogram and she felt weightless in my arms. She was perfect a lovely mixture of both of us.

I walked to a chair across the room and held her against me while the tears flowed.

Eventually Rosalie had to come in to the surgery to convince me to let her go. I wanted to die with her at that moment.

I watched as her little body was put on a gurney, covered with a sheet and wheeled to the morgue.

I am so glad that you never got to see that. The image will be burned in my mind forever.

I threw myself straight back into work. I took extra shifts. I didn't want to stop because if I stopped for one moment I would fall apart.

I pushed my feelings to the back.

Three days after her death I went home to shower and rest. I didn't do that instead I spent the whole day in her room crying.

The day I took you home I tried to be a good husband and make sure you had everything you needed. In the end I couldn't stay and talk to you.

Talking meant facing the reality of what had happened and I couldn't do that.

Burying our baby girl was the worst day of my life. You collapsed into my arms as they lowered the little coffin.

We never did talk about that day or the week before.

We both threw ourselves into work and when we did see each other we acted as though everything was fine.

Two months later you told me you wanted to try again.

I didn't come home for a week after that fight. It felt like you wanted to just replace Nessie.

I know now after therapy that my reaction was purely because I was not ready. I think it was because I held her the pain just felt much too real still.

I refused to try again. The next year was spent in a world of fighting.

You went to another Doctor without my knowledge and went on Clomid again.

You were obsessed with having a child.

You read all the pregnancy magazines and tried numerous home methods.

You only wanted to talk about babies.

I wanted to run away.

The Doctors told us that our chances were even lower now.

They suggested we accept that it would never happen for us.

I wanted you to try and listen to them. We could have a wonderful life just the two of us.

It would be different from our plans but we could still be happy.

You didn't care about my feelings or what I wanted.

You wanted a baby and that was the end of it.

On the 24 November we had a massive fight. It was the worst one yet by far. You had found some untested medication online that promised results. I refused to take it or let you take.

You screamed at me telling me that I didn't care about you and that I had never wanted Nessie.

You crossed the line with those last words. I stormed out of the house and drove to Emmett and Rosalie's house.

I stayed there that night.

In the morning I had calmed down enough to want to talk. I figured we needed to finally really talk and put our cards on the table.

I walked into our room to find you in bed with an old friend of yours. Jacob.

Edward


	10. The freedom that you wanted

This story is going on a three week hiatus while I head into the African bush for three weeks research.

I will be back on the 24 May and I will try get up an update that day or the next. I apologise for the recent lack of updates but a trip like this takes a huge amount of preparation.

So here is the last update for awhile. I couldn't leave you with that huge cliff-hanger.

The more reviews I get the longer and more intense this story will be. Just a hint

The Freedom that you wanted

Dear Edward

I am sitting at the airport now waiting for my flight to Italy. It felt strange leaving today. There was nobody to say goodbye to me.

I got a taxi to the airport. Pathetic isn't it.

I still can't talk to Alice as she is now in the last few days of her pregnancy. I know you think I am being a terrible friend but it just hurts me too much.

Rosalie still won't talk to me and blames me for tearing apart our small group of friends. They all took your side and supported you. It hurt at first but I would have done the same thing.

I did destroy us and I know it was my fault.

Yes it would have helped if we had talked in the weeks after Vanessa's death. I shouldn't have been so pushy to try again but you have to understand I was obsessed with the idea of having a baby. I couldn't pack up that little room I wanted to fill it with a baby.

I spent months trying to trick you into taking different meds and trying everything to make sure we slept together on the right day. I timed and measured everything. You figured out what was going on and that's when the fights started. I know you weren't ready and I shouldn't have pushed you like that but I wasn't myself. I wanted a baby and I didn't care about you or anybody else.

The worst night was the fight about those illegal meds I had bought and wanted to try. I crossed the line telling you that you never wanted Nessie. I saw the pain fill your face the second I said it and I wish with all my heart I could take those words back.

You stormed out of the house and slammed the front door. I didn't even try to follow you. I just sat in shock at the kitchen table.

The anger that filled me seconds later was overpowering. I hated you for denying me the right to have a child. I blamed everything on you.

I sat and drunk a whole bottle of Merlot while I steamed with my angry thoughts.

The next morning I woke up and felt movement in the bed next to me. I looked down and saw I was naked and a thrill rushed through me that maybe the herbs had worked and this time we were pregnant.

Then the cold reality of day started to filter through. In my hangover haze I remembered the fight and you storming out.

After the bottle of wine I had phoned my old friend Jacob. Shit.

I turned slowly and saw a naked snoring Jake lying in bed next to me. I felt sick at the thought of what I had so obviously done.

I heard the bedroom door open and all I felt was fear as I looked into your eyes.

I had never seen you so hurt and angry.

You didn't say a word you just turned around and walked out of the house.

I wanted to run after you but what could I say. I don't think sorry could really cut it.

I woke up Jake and sent him home. At least I could say sorry to him and at least being Jake he just shrugged it off. He always was such a player. I don't want to know what number notch I was on his bedpost. All he was interested in was if I thought Edward would try and beat him up for it. Apparently husbands are a common problem for Jake.

I couldn't answer him I was just filled with shame and self loathing.

I showered and cleaned the house. Then I sat and waited for you to contact me.

They have just announced my flight. I guess it's time to leave all this behind.

Bella

Dear Bella

Today is our last day in Kenya. Tomorrow it's back to work and all the problems. I feel tired just thinking about it. I complain a lot I know but I do feel good about the work I am doing. I know I am making a difference even if it's a small one in so many lives. I just have to push on through this. At least at the end of this I get to go back to the first world. This is as good as it will get for so many of these people. It's heartbreaking.

These last couple of days have really given me time to think. I know I still love you Bella that will never change. I just don't if we can ever be the same after all that happened. I want to forgive you Bells I really do. I want us to both be able to move past this but its way more difficult than I thought.

No matter how hard I try I can't erase the image of you in bed with him.

That afternoon when I returned to the house after driving round aimlessly all day I couldn't even look you in the eye. All I saw was your betrayal. Yes I know it had been a while for us but that didn't give you the right to sleep with that man whore.

You tried to talk to me and you really did try to apologise but it meant nothing to me.

You ended up on your knees in front of me with tears in your eyes. I felt like a cold hearted bastard but I knew what I had to tell you.

I stood up and pushed you gently away.

"I can't Bella. I am so sorry but I can't even look at you right now. This has all just become too much."

I still can see the fear in your eyes. I wanted to tell you to get fucked. I wanted you to move in with that bastard and maybe he would give you the baby you wanted so much. Hell you could have a whole fucking litter for all I cared.

The fear stopped me and I all saw was the Bella I had loved for so long. I tried to be strong and make it easier for both of us.

"Bella I want a break from us. I don't know if this will end in divorce but right now I just can't be here with you. All I see is you with him and its driving me crazy."

I walked towards the kitchen door and then turned around.

"I will come by for my stuff tomorrow."

Just like that the fairytale was over. I could hear your sobbing all the way to my car.

I drove out to the beach and sat and stared at the ocean.

I spent the whole night there crying for my marriage, my child and all that I had lost.

In the end Jasper went round to fetch some clothes for me the next day. The next weekend I went and packed up my books, some photos and my coffee mug. I left the rest with you.

You will always have my heart Bella but I just can't see how we can heal us right now.

Edward


	11. I need a little time

_Sorry for the long break but I am back from the bush. I had fun and worked hard but it was all worth it. _

_So here continues the story of Edward and Bella_.

I need a little time

Dear Edward

You were right. I needed this time away from everything to clear my head. I love Italy and this trip has inspired me anew. I was dead to the world in so many ways the last couple of years. I have finally had time to think. I lie awake at night thinking of all the wonderful times we had together. The night you asked me to marry you, our wedding day, our incredible beach side honeymoon, the hikes we used to take together and that hilarious trip we took to Disney. That trip to Disney World was the first time we mentioned having children. How could we have known that a few weeks later I would think I was pregnant? We didn't know then the years of pain and heartache that would be thrown at us. I miss those innocent fun times when we were young and so in love. Some days I think back to earlier times like the first time we made love. You didn't want it to be all clichéd on prom night so we waited till graduation. That night you took me to our meadow. Do you even remember that place now? I loved our meadow and the long talks we had there. You had set up a blanket and some candles. We were both so nervous. We spent ages fumbling with each other's clothes and it was so awkward. We even laughed at ourselves. Then you kissed me so deeply that everything stopped being funny and our bodies natural instincts took over. I can't deny that it hurt for me. The pain as you entered me the first time was sharp and long. You waited until I could breathe again then slowly started thrusting. It was over very quickly but I am sure that is true for everyone's first time. I still get shivers when I think of how tenderly you kissed me. We promised each that night that there would never be anybody else. I broke that promise in a moment of stupidity. I still love you more than it should be possible to love someone. You told me the day you left that you still loved me too but that you could no longer look me in the eye. I understood I could barely stand myself anymore. I don't know if you will ever forgive me or if we will be able to move on from the pain of the last few years. If we had changed places I don't think I could forgive you.

Bella

Dear Bella

It's now six weeks till I fly home. The problem is I don't know where home is anymore. I don't want to go back to living in a rented flat. I know the time has come to make choices.

I still love you Bells and I always will. I just can't go back to fighting every night and having our infertility the constant elephant in the room. Then there is the room full of baby things that will never be used and the swing outside that will never be played. I hated living with those constant reminders but you couldn't let go.

I try to think of us before all of this and it makes me smile. Then every night in my dreams I relive the moment that I walked in to find him in our bed and I wake up filled with the same anger. I just can't get that image out of my head.

Things were bad enough as they were between us but there was still hope.

I guess it's time to ask you the question I never did.

Why Bella? Why did you do that and with him of all people?

Edward

_The more reviews you leave the sooner the next update gets posted_


	12. Everybody hurts

The promised update Thank you to everyone who is reading this story. This is a fairly dramatic chapter and I am sorry if any of this upsets you. I have found this story to be very strange as it has not turned out the way I planned at all. I feel like the characters are telling me what will happen next. I love that in writing. Just ignore the above if you think I am insane and please still read the story.

Everybody Hurts

When your day is long and the night  
>The night is yours alone<br>When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on  
>Don't let yourself go<br>Everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong  
>Now it's time to sing along<br>When your day is night alone (hold on, hold on)  
>If you feel like letting go (hold on)<br>When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on

Everybody hurts  
>Take comfort in your friends.<br>Everybody hurts  
>Don't throw your hand. Oh, no<br>Don't throw your hand  
>If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone<p>

If you're on your own in this life  
>The days and nights are long<br>When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on

Well, everybody hurts sometimes  
>Everybody cries<br>And everybody hurts sometimes  
>And everybody hurts sometimes<br>So, hold on, hold on  
>Hold on, hold on<br>Hold on, hold on  
>(Hold on, hold on)<p>

Everybody hurts  
>You are not alone<p>

REM

Dear Edward

I received your letter yesterday. I must admit I was shaking at the thought of opening it. I really wasn't sure what you had to tell me that you couldn't say in person and my heart was filled with dread.

I couldn't stop crying when I got to the end. I feel like I finally understand your side of the story. I wish we had been able to talk sooner but I don't think either of us was ready.

I went online straight away and booked us a two week holiday in Spain. We always talked about visiting Spain and I think we need the time to connect and really talk. So we will be back in the USA for just one week before we fly to Spain. Your letter gave me hope that I can convince you to join me in Spain. It gave me hope for us.

Love

Bella

Dear Bells

I know that you are probably shocked to receive a letter from me. I hope you are enjoying your time in Italy and that you are also benefiting from the time away from home. I wrote this in my diary originally but then I realised I really needed you to read this. I needed you to know what happened to me yesterday and how it changed things. I wish we could discuss this over a glass of wine and dinner as we did in the past. I need your comfort and love today but knowing that you will read this provides it in a way. So here is the page torn from my diary.

Dear Bella

This afternoon started out as one of the better afternoons in our tiny makeshift hospital. I had just finished giving a group of young boys their multi-vitamin shots and we were joking and laughing about who had been the bravest and who had been the biggest wimp. A couple of them were kicking around a soccer ball outside and I was about to go and join them. I was clearing away the supplies when I heard the screaming.

I ran outside to find two men carrying a heavily pregnant woman. She was screaming in pain and there was blood everywhere.

I moved the boys out the way and called for one of the other doctors and a nurse who could help and translate.

The young woman was placed on the table. She must have been about twenty three. One of the men who had brought her in was shaking with tears and hanging onto her.

The nurse found out from the other man who was her brother that she had fallen badly while collecting water from a communal tap. The shaking man was her husband.

I started the scan of her uterus hoping that everything would be alright. There was no heartbeat. In that one horrible second I was back in that hospital in Seattle. I tried again but the baby was dead.

Doctor McCain and I exchanged a look and he told the parents the awful news.

The wife let out a keening wail and passed out.

The husband told us through his tears that they had lost their first child to the famine that was rife in this country just three months before. Two weeks ago he had found a new home and a job through a contact outside the camp. They were going to leave the camp and take a train to Malawi in just two days. All their hope was for this child and the new life they would lead together.

He was a broken man and I saw the me of a few years ago in his eyes.

We prepped his wife for a caesarean and he waited in the room wanting the one chance to see his child.

The surgery was simple to do but my heart was constantly breaking. I didn't want to have to face my demons. It was the moment that I pulled the baby girl from her mother that things started getting worse.

Her body started convulsing on the table and blood streamed from the open wound as it ripped. It was like a scene from a horror movie. I was still holding the little girls lifeless body while trying to help.

It seemed like hours but it was mere seconds. The long beep from the machine monitoring her heartbeat filled the room. She was dead.

I sat on a chair still holding the baby. The tears and screaming from the man seemed to echo across the whole camp. His whole world had ended in a matter of minutes.

He ran out of the room screaming and I was left still holding the baby.

A nurse walked up and gently took the baby girl from my arms. She was almost fully grown and perfectly formed. A few weeks from now she should have been born a healthy happy baby. The fall had torn the placenta and the baby had lost her source of oxygen and was probably dead in minutes.

I sat on the chair watching as a sheet was put over the mother and she was taken out of the room. She would be buried the next day and probably in one of the anonymous graves on the edge of the camp. She had died of a brain haemorrhage. Nothing could have been done even in a fully equipped hospital.

I watched them clean the room and still I did not leave the chair.

An hour later Dr McCain walked in and sat on a chair next to me.

"We all have demons we are running away from. I think the time has come for you to face yours."

He was right. I hardly ever let myself think about that day. Today for a moment I relived that pain.

The husband killed himself later that night.

I realised today that I didn't lose everything that night. I didn't have to bury you. I never saw that sheet pulled over your head and if I let myself think about it I start shaking. You never seemed to understand how sick you really were and how close to death you came.

I still have you and I need to move past what happened or I might as well have buried you that day with our daughter.

Edward


	13. Song of Silence

_Here is the promised update for this week. I am thinking about writing a prequel to this story. It will detail how they got together, their wedding and the years of trying and maybe a bit more detail about Nessie. The story will be a bit lighter hearted and will involve the other characters more. It will be written in standard format or I could go with a diary theme. What do you all think? Would you be interested? Let me know in your review_.

Song of Silence

Dear Edward

You must be home already. I wonder how you adjusting back to life in America. I am stalling now. Truth be told I am terrified to see you again. I phoned Rosalie and asked her to try and convince you to meet me at the airport. I want to give you the airline tickets and talk to you about Spain before I chicken out.

I want this to work. I want us to work again. I miss you so much Edward that it has become a constant ache. How did we ever let things get so wrong?

I love you Edward. I always have and I always will.

I better go now my flight number has just been called. I hope I will see you in a few hours.

Bella

Dear Bella

Its strange being back in the USA. I guess I should have known that the first world would feel uncomfortable now. I must admit I am loving having Starbucks in my life again.

So you will never guess who I bumped into today. That arsehole otherwise known as Jacob Black. If Emmett hadn't been there to hold me back I would have punched his lights. Then the ass starts laughing at me. I promise you my blood was boiling with rage by this point. Here is a replay of our conversation.

"You are a fucking idiot Cullen."

"Jacob if you don't get out of my sight right now I swear I will kill you."

"Why would you want to do that?"

"You fucked my wife or don't you even remember?"

"No I didn't Cullen. I have never fucked a woman in my life. It's dick all the way for me thanks. The playboy act was just a cover. It's frowned upon the whole gay thing at the Rez so I just pretended to hide the truth."

I just stood there with my mouth open in shock.

"I did actually tell Bella the truth years ago when we were kids but I think she forgot about it. Dude she just wanted a friend to comfort her. She passed out a few minutes after I arrived and I put her to bed. I stayed as her friend but when both of you assumed the worst I just played along."

My fist seemed to have a life of its own. I punched him hard in the gut.

"You bastard you ruined everything."

Jacob sat up wheezing.

"No I didn't. I didn't help but you guys were already headed down that path. It was just a matter of time. Look I am sorry Edward and hey if you ever feel like trying out for the other team you know where I live."

I watched him walk out of the shop. I felt relief mixed with shame and anger. Emmett put his arm across my shoulders and we headed back to his house.

**8:45pm**

I am staying with Emmett and Rosalie. It feels strange in their house right now. They are busy packing to move back to Forks. I guess you already know that. I think I might also go back to Forks and hopefully you will join me. We need to sell that house Bells. We need to move on and I hope we can do that together.

I don't want you to think I want to try again because of what Jacob told me. I want you to read this diary to know that I have wanted to try again for a long time. I just needed to clear my head.

Rosalie has convinced me to meet you at the airport tomorrow. I am still a bit scared but I know we can do this Bells. We have to at least try. I bought a huge bunch of sunflowers to give to you. I can feel excitement and trepidation building inside me already. Your plan will land in Seattle in just fourteen hours. I better go downstairs now. Rosalie has been cooking up a storm in the kitchen and after the rations in Africa I am always starving.

4am the next day

Bells I can't stop shaking. Please God. Please let Bella be alive. This can't be happening now.

Dear Bella

This is Rosalie writing now. Edward is wreck next to me. I wish I could see you one last time just to tell you that I am sorry. We all are. I judged you for something you didn't do. I pulled away from a friend when she needed me the most. Now I guess I will never get the chance.

Last night we had the tv on in the background while we ate dinner. It's so good having Edward home and it was a nice evening just chatting about recent events. Emmett saw the breaking news alert and pushed the volume button.

An American Airways plane had crashed in the Atlantic Ocean. The plane was en-route from Rome to New York. They showed the flight number and I instantly felt sick. It was your flight Bells. Its 4am and I am sitting with Edward in JFK. We are in a huge room filled with family members. You should be in this airport waiting to board your connecting flight. Instead we are sitting here waiting to hear if there are any survivors.

Please Bella if by some miracle you are alive hang on.

Spend all your time waiting for that second chance  
>For the break that will make it ok<br>There's always some reason to feel not good enough  
>And it's hard at the end of the day<br>I need some distraction oh beautiful release  
>Memories seep from my veins<br>They may be empty and weightless and maybe  
>I'll find some peace tonight<p>

In the arms of an Angel fly away from here  
>From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear<br>You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie  
>You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here<p>

So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn  
>There's vultures and thieves at your back<br>The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies  
>That you make up for all that you lack<br>It don't make no difference, escaping one last time  
>It's easier to believe<br>In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness  
>That brings me to my knees<p>

In the arms of an Angel far away from here  
>From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear<br>You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie  
>In the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here<p>

You're in the arms of an Angel; may you find some comfort here

_Yes I know it's a cliff hanger but you will understand everything soon. I promise to update as soon as possible. Leave lots of reviews._


	14. Holding my breath

_Thank you for all the lovely reviews. I am sorry I haven't replied yet but work has been insane this week. So you get a reply or an update and I figured you would want the update more. To those that are confused I hope this update will make everything make sense_.

Holding my breath

Dear Edward

I am sitting in the airport in Rome shaking. I guess I should explain what happened. My flight was called just after 6pm last night. They had overbooked the flight. American Airways was offering a hotel in Rome for the night plus two free return tickets on any of their routes. To be honest I was still a little nervous about going home. Okay and free tickets just sounded too good to pass on.

I raised my hand along with about thirty other people. We were lead away from the gate and given our flight and hotel vouchers. I got a cab and went to my hotel. The room was lovely and I was feeling fairly tired. I had wonderful room service and settled down for the night.

This morning when I woke up I switched on the TV to watch the news. My whole body went instantly cold. The flight I should have been on had crashed. There were no survivors. If it wasn't for an impulsive decision I would have died last night.

I tried to phone you to tell you I was alright but your phone went straight to voice mail. It took me hours to get hold of Emmett. When he answered the phone neither of us could stop crying.

He told me that you had flown out to New York with Rosalie to wait for news about the crashed plane with the rest of the families.

Three hours later my phone rang. It was you. Emmett had managed to get hold of Rosalie. Apparently you had just found out that I was not on the flight manifest.

We talked for over an hour. It must have cost you a fortune. It was the first time in years that we really talked.

We alternated between laughing and crying both of us still in shock.

I am waiting for my flight to board and I must admit I am a little nervous. The airline understood our fears and we are all flying with Virgin Atlantic instead. It does mean a longer flight with a stopover in Heathrow but for some reason I find the thought of a different route comforting. I know I will still be terrified when that plane takes off but I need to work past the fear.

I got a second chance at life. I am going to make things right with you. I am going to let go of all my baggage and live my life the best way I know how. I am not going to waste a second of my life.

I am also going to kill Jacob Black after what you told me on the phone.

I love you Edward and I can't wait to see you again.

Bella

Dear Bella

They are calling out the names of the dead. Everyone on the handed in flight manifest. I am holding the printed email that had your flight details. You would have been sitting in 37C.

The monotone voice drones on but my fear increases as he calls out the name for 37 A.

I know I will fall apart the minute your name is called. This whole nightmare will be real.

37 A Micheal Banks

37B Jessica Banks

37C Juillett Monroe

What? I checked the email again. That was your seat.

I hurried to the side desk and spoke to one of the officials. He told me that about thirty people had taken the offer of free tickets and a hotel if they flew out the next day. I have never believed in God but at that moment I was praying. He quickly checked through the list of those that did not board. Your name was on it. I hugged the poor guy. I have never felt such relief in my life.

Thank you Bella for always been the spontaneous type who would take that kind of offer. At the moment Rosalie's phone rang. It was Emmett he had been trying to reach us since you phoned him a few hours before but we must have been out of comms.

I reached for my phone and called you. I needed to hear your voice to know that this was real. I started crying the second you answered. I sat on the floor and we talked for the first time in years. We really talked and it was amazing.

I have decided to wait here in JFK for your flight to arrive. I booked us a few nights at the Doubletree Hilton on Times Square.

I think we need a few days together before we head home. I already called the airline and moved our flights to Spain. I can't wait for that trip but it can wait two weeks.

I love you Bells and I can't wait to hold you in my arms again.

This is our second chance and I promise not to screw it up.

Edward

_Hope you enjoyed that update. There are about four chapters left of this story. Please let me know if you would like me to write the pre story to this one. _


	15. Just forget the world

_Thanks for all the amazing reviews. Huge thanks to A for Angel for reviewing all the chapters. I hope you enjoy this chapter._

_I should finish this story in about two weeks then I will start posting the prequel. The person who leaves the most reviews on this story gets to name the Prequel. So keep those reviews coming._

**Just forget the world**.

If I lay here  
>If I just lay here<br>Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Dear Edward

That flight over was awful. The flight from Rome to London was fine but as soon as we took off from London we hit bad turbulence. I was terrified and wide awake the whole flight. The thought of flying onto Seattle has me crying. I want to see you but I wish there was some other way to get home. I have even been thinking about taking a train or bus. The moment the flight landed in New York I was shaking with relief. My connecting flight was from La Guardia so at least I could get some time on the ground to try and sort through my fears.

It seemed to take hours for my bag to arrive and to get through passport control. I set the wheels down on my bag and walked through the main doors.

You were standing right in front of the doors with a bunch of yellow lilies. My heart seemed to drop and explode at the same time. I ran towards you and in what felt like a scene from the movies you ran towards me. As I felt your strong warm arms wrap around me I knew that this was home. I never wanted to be away from you again.

When we broke apart you pulled a hotel reservation out of your pocket. Three days in New York. My mind filled with wonderful memories of when we were last here. You had even booked the same hotel.

We didn't really talk during the cab ride you just held my hand and starred at me as though you thought I would disappear at any second.

Now we are sitting in the lounge of the hotel room staring at each other. There is so much to say and I don't think either of us knows where to start.

I don't quite know  
>How to say<br>How I feel

Love

Bells

I need your grace  
>To remind me<br>To find my own

Dear Bella

I don't know how to put into words how I feel about the last ten years. Sitting here with you I know I want things to work out but I really don't know where to start. How do we sort through all the pain and anger?

If I could erase the last couple of years I would.

We just stared at each other for hours neither of us sure what to do.

In the end I broke the ice by moving across to you and kissing you. It's been so long that I had forgotten how magical it felt to kiss you.

We spent most of the night sitting wrapped in each other's arms kissing and talking softly.

It was you that suggested we read each other's diaries to help us understand. So this is my last entry before your read this. Perhaps after this we can put the past to rest and look towards our future together.

Those three words  
>Are said too much<br>They're not enough

I love you Bella. I know it's not enough after all we have been through. I wish I could put into words exactly how I feel. I just hope that what I have written will help you to understand.

I hope that this is enough.

Love

Edward

_Sorry this chapter was so short. The next one will be very long to make up for it._


	16. It will rain

**Hi Everyone. Okay we are almost at the end of this story **

**Thanks for following the story and thanks for all the amazing reviews.**

**This is the third to last chapter of this story. No more diary format. **

_It will Rain_

EPOV

It's been six days since Bella arrived home. I still feel a small shiver every time I see her. I don't think the memories of that day will ever go away. It brings up painful memories from long ago that I would rather keep buried (AN These will be in the prequel).

Today is the three year anniversary of Vanessa's death. The day everything started to go so wrong. Bella and I are sitting next to her grave. The plot seems so small. I just sit and hold Bella's hand while she talks to Vanessa. We both needed this so badly. We needed to really say goodbye to our baby girl.

"Vanessa my baby Nessie. Mommy and Daddy are leaving this town in a few days. It's finally time for us to let go and start again. That doesn't mean we will ever forget you. You will always be my angel."

Bella's voice was shaking as she spoke.

"I love you my baby girl."

Bella leaned forward and pressed her lips to the cold stone.

"Nessie I will never forget those few moments I held you. That memory will forever be burned in my brain. I wish we had got to see you grow up but sometimes things are just not meant to be. I think I have finally accepted that you are really gone."

The tears flowed freely down my cheeks as I spoke.

"Don't think that we have forgotten you just because we are leaving. You will always be carried in our hearts."

I touched the stone and helped Bella up.

Our house in Seattle was for sale. The house with the swing in the backyard.

I had accepted a post at Forks General hospital and Bella was going to start a small architecture firm of her own.

It was time to start our new life. Together. We still had things to work through but at least we were really talking for the first time in years.

BPOV

Today we said goodbye to Vanessa. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done but I feel like a weight has lifted off my shoulders.

I am sitting in what would have been her room packing up all the baby things. Edward is out with Emmett taking the cot and the rocker to a local women's shelter.

Edward was right. I can chase this dream all my life or I can let go and live my life. I went for a long walk on the beach yesterday on my own and at some point on the walk I actually felt myself let go.

So today it feels good to help someone else. Rosalie is with my helping fold little outfits that will also go to the shelter. I am so grateful to have such a wonderful friend back in my life.

"You can cry you know Bells. This is a sad task that we are doing."

"I know Rose. I actually feel relief instead of sadness. I think holding onto this has made me more sad."

"Are you going to see Alice at all?"

"It will still be hard to see her but I will. I need to do this. If I can't be a Mom then I can at least be an awesome aunt."

"That's true. So awesome aunt do you feel like baby sitting sometime for your tired brother and sister-in –law."

I laughed.

"Of course hun. As soon as all this moving is done and we are all in Forks I promise you guys a night out at least once a week."

"I am holding you to that Bella."

Six hours later

I was stirring mince for a lasagne I was making for dinner when I heard the front door open. I turned around to great Edward and instead saw my best friend Alice.

She was standing there looking nervous and holding a small blonde baby.

"I had to come and see you Bells. I have missed you so much. I understand if this is still too painful. I will go away right now but I had to at least try and see you."

Edward walked into the kitchen followed by Jasper.

Edward held my hand and whispered in my ear.

"Its alright love. You can do this I really believe in you."

I stepped forward and held out my arms to take the baby from Alice.

She handed him over willingly.

"His name is Julian."

I looked down at the beautiful boy in my arms. I waited for the ache that had filled my belly every time I held a baby for the past few years but it never came. All I felt was love for this perfect tiny human.

I looked deep into his sparkly blue eyes and smiled at him.

"I promise to always be there for you Julian. I will be the cool fun aunt."

Everyone in the room started laughing with relief.

I knew at that moment that a new and wonderful time in my life had begun.


	17. I will love you to the End

_Okay second to last chapter now. I can't believe this story is almost over. I will be starting on the prequel next week. _

_Thank you so much for every review and story alert. I have loved writing this and it really has been a healing process. _

_I now have an editor and together we are slowly working through Forgotten Love and changing it to the story it can be._

_I will never take down this story as it belongs to the Twilight Universe and to this Edward and Bella. _

_Thank you again for all the wonderful support. You mean the world to me_.

**I will love you to the end**

Six Months Later

EPOV

We are finally in Spain. It took us ages to get the time to take the break together we so badly needed.

Two weeks after moving to Forks Bella went to see a Counsellor that Tanya had recommended. Her name is Kate and she really is wonderful.

She saw Bella alone for the first couple of sessions. Kate even helped her to work through her fear of flying.

We then started seeing her twice a week. Once alone and once in a couples session. It took me awhile to get into it but after seeing how much the diaries had helped I finally understood how much therapy can help.

I opened up to Kate and talked about everything. My childhood through meeting Bella all the way to the present.

It felt good to finally talk about it.

Kate encouraged us to spend more time together but not rush back into things or we could end up were we started.

Bella lived with Emmett and Rosalie while I moved in with Jasper and Alice. We met up most nights for dinner either with our friends or just the two of us.

We pulled out the backpack and started hiking in the woods near Forks on the weekend.

We took long walks on the beach together.

I guess in a way we dated again.

It wasn't all wonderful though. We had some epic fights but it was good for us to get everything out in the open.

We looked back at each other's diaries often to try and see things from the other person's point of view.

In Forks we worked much shorter hours. It was great to really have time to spend with other.

I love working at Fork's General and Bella is loving working for herself.

After two months we decided to go on a weekend away together. We hadn't made love in Thirty Four Months by now and to be honest the last couple of times just after Vanessa's death were not making love. They were filled with anger and sadness but not love.

We rented a small beach house about two hours south of Forks. The sun didn't shine the whole weekend but we didn't mind. We spent most of the weekend in bed. I had forgotten how well we fitted together sexually.

Two months after that we bought a small double storey house near the edge of town. The house had three bedrooms and the property backed onto a stream. It was just perfect for us. We changed the two spare bedrooms into studies and we soon had them filled with books and decorated to our tastes.

A month after we bought the house we moved into together. At first it was strange and awkward living together after so much time apart but we soon fell into an easy rhythm.

Country living and the closeness of our friends and family was just what we needed. I love that I can get home from work early enough to prepare dinner with my wife.

Three days ago we had a small vow renewal in my parent's back yard. It was just family and it was simple and perfectly us.

Bella wore a long cream dress that showed off her stunning figure. I feel like the luckiest man on eart to be getting a second chance at love. A second chance with my Bella.

The second honeymoon in Spain has been heavenly so far.

The flight was peaceful and Bella slept most of the way so at least she wasn't tense.

We have booked into a villa in the hills of Barcelona and we will be here for two weeks before going to the Marriott hotel in Marbella for a week.

Right now I am lying on the beach next to my wonderful wife and life couldn't be better.

BPOV

Barcelona was incredible. I loved the history, the architecture, the bars and well making love to my sexy wonderful husband.

It feels right to be in this place. If this is our life then I can accept that. I wanted to be a mother for so long that I lost track of the rest of my life. I stopped thinking about me and I stopped thinking about Edward. Now when I think about those dark days it makes me shake and I wish I could erase that part of my life. However we all live the hand we are dealt and I think that all I have experienced has made me a stronger person.

Marbella is seriously beautiful and I feel like a millionaire walking around here. Everything is pure luxury and I have indulged big time.

We have had couples massages and heavenly spa sessions. Going out to dinner is an incredible experience.

These three weeks seem to have been the last step in our healing. I know now that I love Edward with all my heart and soul and that I will never let anything come between us again.

I can't believe we have to fly home tomorrow. I will be sad to leave Spain but I am excited to really start our new life together and I have started to miss our family and friends.

Three weeks later

So much for having a wonderful time at home. I appear to have picked up a stomach bug in Spain and nothing is making it stop. I can barely keep any food down. There in lies the problem of working for yourself I still have so much work to do so I can't afford to just lie in bed like I want to.

Edward is being an angel and helping out as much as he can.

He wants me to go the hospital today to run some tests. I know I have to go as I have lost a few pounds already from all the vomiting. The problem is I still can't stop the feeling of fear. My last trip to a hospital did not end well.

Still it's just a bug and the sooner I can take something and the sooner I will feel better.

Three hours later

Dr Montgomery paged Edward. I started getting nervous. Whatever was in the test report could not be good if she wanted my husband here to hold my hand.

I could see the fear on Edwards face as he sat next to me and held my hand. After all we had been through I couldn't face something really going wrong now.

"Bella stop shaking. You are fine in fact you are better then fine."

I looked at her strangely what on earth did that mean.

"Bella, you are pregnant."

Edward and I sat in disbelief.

"I am sorry Dr Montgomery but that's impossible. We tried for years and nothing. We can only conceive with medical help and even that would be unlikely."

My voice was shaking while I spoke.

Dr Irina Montgomery just smiled.

"Edward I am sure you have heard of this before. A couple stops trying and gives up hope and before you know it they are pregnant."

Edward was smiling like he had just won a huge prize.

"Yes I have heard of that happening. I just can't believe it's happened for us. It's been so long and we have endured so much."

At that moment his voice broke and he started crying.

I leaned into him and we held onto each other. We could scarcely believe that it was true.

"I have read you history and I couldn't be happier for you two. I will give you a minute to talk then I will meet you in the exam room for a scan."

Neither of us could form full sentences. We were beyond happy. This truly was a miracle in every sense of the word.

Dr Montgomery did the scan and there on the screen was our perfectly formed baby. The heartbeat was already strong. The scan showed me to be six weeks pregnant. So I really had picked up a bug in Spain. The little bug we had wanted for so long.

I couldn't wait to share the good news.

I guess it really is true sometimes miracles happen when you least expect them.


	18. To a happy ending

_So this is it. The final chapter in this lovely story. I want to cry at the thought of leaving these two but I have so many plans right now that it's time to say goodbye. Well it's a short goodbye. Next week I will start writing the Prequel. _

_As to a name for the prequel..._

_Could OcSickGirl, A is for Angel and Dowilingnana come up with a name each for the story and then I will have a vote for it on my FB page? Thanks to all three of you for reviewing every chapter. You guys mean the world to many and I just couldn't choose one._

_If you would like to vote please friend Kathleen Anne Duncan on FB. The pic is the same one I use for this page. It's my author profile and there are lots of Twilight FF fans there but the more the merrier._

_So for the last time in this story at least here we go..._

**To a happy ending**

EPOV

I still can't believe that we are pregnant. A small part of me thinks that we are now in the right place in our lives. We had to wait to get all our issues sorted and then the one thing we had always wanted would come along.

Bella is now six months pregnant and glowing. The only sad part is the fear that neither of us can shake. What if it happens again? The day we passed twenty two weeks had both of us shaking.

I had nightmares all that week and nothing seemed to help. Twenty three weeks arrived and we breathed again.

Bells is now in her final trimester. The fear is now a nagging fear. In the background but always there. I imagine all parents who have lost a child go through this.

Rosalie and Alice are at home with her now. They have started talking about a baby shower. The tension is easing and we are all starting to have hope.

I am working in extra shifts already so that I can spend as much time as possible with him.

Yes that's right we are having a boy.

BPOV

At thirty six weeks I am now officially uncomfortable. I feel like a whale trying to walk. Its truly ridiculous how fat I am.

Edward had to help me get up from the toilet this morning. Talk about the glamorous life. I don't think I have ever felt so embarrassed but I really couldn't get up.

Alice is downstairs getting everything ready for the baby shower and I can hear Rose in the kitchen.

I just hope I can get through this without getting too emotional.

Two hours later

I am sitting in a mound of baby things. Seriously I don't think I can get out of here.

"Alice really did you have to buy the whole baby store?"

"Yes I did now shut up and enjoy. I will do anything for my nephew so you will just have to live with it."

All I could do was groan from somewhere in a pile that included suit and ties for a newborn.

I do not plan to learn how to dress my infant son in Armani.

I heard a chuckle near me.

"Bells do you need some help getting out of there?"

It was Emmetts booming voice.

The next thing I know I was being hoisted up like I weighed nothing.

"Put me down this instant Emmett."

"In the pile or out?"

"Out you idiot."

I glared at my little brother as he plonked me down in a chair.

There is no dignity in pregnancy. Seriously.

I just huffed a thank you and looked away.

It took Edward and I three hours to get everything packed away in the baby's room. I can guarantee he will never wear half this stuff.

As I packed away a newborn onesie I started crying. After all we went through I never saw this in my life. I still can't believe this is really happening.

Edward put his arms around me and whispered "Its alright Bella. I know its scary but we can do this. I love you."

"I love you too."

I went up on my toes and kissed him softly.

"I guess it all just seems so unreal still."

He looked slowly around the room.

It was blue and green with a huge wooden cot in the corner. The cot had white netting over it and looked stunning. Next to the cot was a wooden rocker with a yellow and blue cushion.

The wardrobe and changing table sat on the opposite side of the room.

Next to the door was a blue nappy bag with teddies on it packed with all his things for the hospital.

The wardrobe was filled with all his little clothes and the changing table with nappies.

We were ready. We would be parents this time.

Edward leaned in and softly kissed the top of my head as we both surveyed the room.

EPOV

Forty-two weeks now and its no longer fun being around Bella. Emmett and Jasper completely avoid our house. Rose and Alice check on Bells everyday but they also escape as first as they can.

I think today I have been yelled at about twenty two times and counting. I know she is hormonal but I am so glad that I am picking up extra shifts. Work is so peaceful.

Its an emotional rollercoaster that is not helped by the heat wave we are currently experiencing. The temperature has not dropped in four days and Bella is beyond uncomfortable.

I have to go home now and I just don't want too.

One hour later

"You put it in there you can take it out."

"Bells calm down he will come out when he is ready."

I gingerly try to comfort my yelling wife.

"Oh it was so much fun fucking in Spain but now you can't do it."

"Bella we are not making love now or fucking as you so wonderfully put it. Sorry if I can't get turned on by the yelling banshee."

"Well then think of something else. Maybe I should call Jasper I am sure he would be man enough to do the job."

"You are not screwing my twin and I don't think any sane man would come within a mile of this house right now."

"Fine you are a doctor. So since you know so much you think of a way to get him out."

"I am trauma surgeon. You can talk to you OB tomorrow at your appointment."

Bella stalked towards the knife draw.

When she turned around she had a carving knife in her hand.

"Fine then Mr. Surgeon. Cut him out."

I carefully took the knife away from her.

"Bella you are insane. Drink some of the herbal tea and have a long bath okay."

I pushed the cup of tea into her hands and slowly pushed her in the direction of the bathroom.

When she was finally in the bath and a bit calmer I went back downstairs and poured myself a glass of wine.

Please let that kid come out soon I can't take much more of this.

"Edward"

Bella's voice sounded frightened.

I nearly dropped my wine glass and took the stairs three at a time.

Bella had managed to pull herself out of the bath and was standing there in fear.

"My water broke."

She burst into tears.

"Its fine love. Come let's get your bag and go to the hospital."

"I made a mess we should clean it."

She was now sobbing.

"Bells I will sort that out later. Hospital now."

I got her dressed in yoga pants and a white t-shirt.

We went slowly out the house but I hit the gas on the way to the hospital.

Once we got there I got Bella checked in and started calling everyone.

I spent my whole day at the hospital working but now it seemed to be the most amazing place.

Our baby was finally coming.

The OB examined Bella and told us she was at 8cm already. She clutched at my hand through another painful contraction.

"It shouldn't be long now. Your baby will be here in the next hour."

The OB walked out and Alice walked in. She was bouncing off the walls with excitement.

Bella went between frightened, in pain and angry for the next hour.

My right hand was certainly paying the price. I had bruises and aching bones already.

Bella screamed and the OB ran in.

"Alright Bella its time to push."

Bella looked determined. She took a deep breath and pushed. I guess she thought that would be it.

"Where's the baby?"

"Bella honey it takes more than one push."

"I don't want to push anymore I am so tired."

"You can do this my love. I know you can."

Ten minutes and lots of swearing and pushing later our son was born.

I cut the umbilical cord with tears in my eyes.

He was wrapped in small blue blanket and handed to me.

"He's perfect Bella. Ten fingers and ten toes with the most perfect mop of reddish hair."

Alice held Bella's hand while she talked to her.

I was just lost looking at my son.

Two hours later.

Bella was showered and changed and looking comfy and happy.

Emmett was holding my son and cooing at him. It was a funny sight to behold.

The room was filled with people who understood what it had taken for us to get here. The room was filled with happiness.

Jasper leaned towards me.

"So what's the little guys name?"

"Garrett Edward Cullen."

"I love it."

Everyone smiled at tiny Garrett.

Bella and I held hands and watched as our families held and kissed Garrett.

It had been a long journey to hear but it was worth it.

Our journey as parents had only just begun.

_Thank you for sharing this journey with me. I loved every minute of it. A huge thank you to the people who told me their stories of infertility and trying. I hope you all get your happy ending._


End file.
